Tatiana Khodakova
“Feeling the need for love is a choice not to feel it inside yourself”
Love cannot be given, it cannot be taken, it can only be felt inside yourself. It is only there. If you stop looking for love in other people, then you can feel it inside yourself.
Love is not different! It is the same. The needs that replace Love are different. For example, it’s thought that love is different for children, parents, partners, work, etc. But the thing is that love is always the same, but the needs that are satisfied in one relationship or another are different. The need for motherhood/fatherhood is often satisfied through having kids, as well as the need for being socially “correct”, or the need for parents to finally leave you alone with the question “when will they become grandparents?”, or the need to “tie” a partner, or the need to take care of someone, satisfying the need to be needed, or the need to fulfill the social message about “a house, a tree and a son”, or the need for “a glass of water”, or the need for tenderness, or the need to give life, etc.
With parents, other needs are satisfied – such as care, guardianship, attention, approval, significance, provision, etc.
With a partner, one needs to be the only one, chosen, desired and satisfies the need for physical intimacy, etc.
At work, for example, the needs for recognition, the realization of one’s interests and talents, significance, finances, etc. are satisfied.
In relationships with different people and in different contexts, different needs are satisfied. But this is not different love. There is only one love, but it is often replaced by the notion “needs”. And then they chase after love, but in fact, an unconscious desire to satisfy their needs is realized.
Yes, you come to all these relationships (personal, friendly, parent-child, work, etc.) with YOUR feeling of love. You can satisfy needs with love. But love is not the same as need!
When people say, “I feel the need for love”, it’s the same as saying, “I feel the need for my body”. The body is here — feel it. And love, it’s in you — feel it.
Sometimes you can hear the complaint, “I don’t feel your love”. The first part of the sentence is correct — “I don’t feel”, and the second part should be replaced with “my love”, that is, “I don’t feel my love”. For some reason, I chose not to feel love inside myself right now.
Not very romantic? I disagree. The need for romance, like the need for aesthetics or physical contact, is a need that can be realized with love. But need is not Love.
A person always “carries” love inside, but looks for it outside.
Therefore, sooner or later, disappointment will occur when the other person stops satisfying the needs, and then you will want to say: “You don’t love me anymore/I don’t love you anymore”. But in reality: “I stopped feeling my love because I mistakenly attached love to these needs (which I satisfied in a relationship with you) in my head”. We can satisfy our different needs in relationships, even destructive ones. For example, the need for “rescue” or the need for pity, for our “importance”, pride, living with a dependent partner. The need to receive attention from parents can sometimes be satisfied by allowing them to control your every step, being an adult. The need to be “in a good standing” will force a person to stay in a low-paid job and not go into a new activity, since their a “good standing” position must be built anew, etc. All these needs were somehow “tied” to the understanding of love – if these needs are satisfied, then they love me or then I love. But it’s not always like that.
Free Love from attachments to needs, and you will feel it immediately!!
When a person can feel love inside himself/herself (the only and unconditional one), claims to others will get away. It is one thing to think that “you don’t love me”, and another – “you don’t want to do something because our needs do not coincide”. They are perceived differently, you must admit.
If you remove needs from the understanding of Love, then Love will remain. And since Love “always exists and does not cease to be”, then some of the imaginary needs will fall away: to prove something, to increase your significance, importance, to strive for power over someone, to deserve approval, etc. – because everything, mentioned above, was necessary to “receive” love. And it is always with you, you just have to “turn” to yourself and feel it.
Each of us “carries” the love inside, wherever we go and whomever we approach. Each of us makes a choice to show it or hide it. You cannot give this love to another person, you can be in love yourself, and the other person can also be in love, since it is inside of him/her (if he/she chooses to feel it).
Showing love does not mean giving it (it is impossible),
Showing love is living in it
Because other people do not need love, since it is in them already too. And then we see, that we live in love, satisfy each other’s needs with love or do not satisfy them, but also with love.
Main photo by Everton Vila
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
What does woman give to relationship
How To Bring Back The Taste Of Life
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
