Tatiana Khodakhova
“The one, who is happy will make others happy” (Anne Frank)
Modern technologies have made our lives more convenient and help us lead a pretty comfortable lifestyle. We can order food and goods online, buy tickets to various events and trips, use various devices to monitor our health and fitness. And despite such technical progress, we still perceive a woman as a household function. And the most interesting thing is that this perception is most often female. Yes, there are men who are sincerely indignant: “Why do I need a wife if she does not wash, clean, cook, or take care of me?” And indeed, why? What does a woman give in a partnership?
Behavioral traditions of past generations, which we continue to rely on, despite the fact that current living conditions have changed greatly, as well as the state of lack of love formed in childhood, lead to catastrophic confusion in the psyche and complex consequences in female-male relationships.
Wanting to be needed, women strive to give a man their care and guardianship (cooking pies, having sex, ironed shirts, a clean house, etc.) instead of giving their resources to the relationships and being in a happy state, creating the same field around themselves. At this point, women question themselves: “So, doesn’t he need my care?” And maybe he really does not. He does not need a woman, who is trying to deserve his attention, due to her internal insecurity in her value.
There are couples,where such “need” suits the “adopted” man, who needs a “mommy” who’ll make sure that his “underpants are clean and socks don’t have holes”. If this satisfies both of them, then it’s ok. Although with satisfaction and health there might be still a problem, at least in the sexual sphere. The issue will most likely arise sooner or later.
But mostly such female “need” does not satisfy t the man and he leaves the “cozy” home — either completely o goesr to his lover. And the woman then falls into the state of “I gave him and did everything for him, and he is so ungrateful …” This happens because she gives all of herself to him, and not to them, as a couple. She has fed the “chick”, and he feels like a baby in a cozy “nest”, to whom everything is given in the “beak”. But he cannot feel his testosterone — masculine nature in such conditions.
Women who unconsciously “fall into” the “maternal instinct” in their relationships with their partners fall into such painful traps. Traumas in a woman’s personal experience (often childhood) force her to “earn” her need and try to give everything to a man so that he will appreciate her.
There is another unconscious female “game” that some women constantly play:
- Find a strong man
- Submit him to her will
- Prove to him that she is stronger
- “Break” him with your “adoption”
- Regret that he turned out to be weak.
What is the reason for such “games”? In a strong and tough maternal instinct, which a woman cannot control and a man cannot resist it.
A woman is responsible for how the relationship in a couple is being built. If she cannot control her maternal instinct, which a man is not able to resist, then he either submits and loses his strength, becoming a “son” — ceases to be a man, or at some point he leaves when a woman “goes too far” with her “care”. If a man submits to the maternal instinct of his woman and stays with her, then sex “leaves” the relationship, because you don’t sleep with “mommies” and “children” don’t excite you.
Of course, you want to do something nice for your man, but try to feel the difference when you are in a state of “motherly” care for him, and when you feel high and full of energy and bring all this state in your relationship. When you just feel good with yourself, you walk next to a man and glow from within, you want to cling to him and you notice how his shoulders straighten and he grows in his strength — there is a woman next to him in whose field he wants to be.
When a woman splashes “milk cans”, she finds a man who has not grown up and is looking for a mother. “Mom” irons shirts, changes socks, makes sure her man comes home on time, that he does not “drink away” his salary, signs up for personal growth courses, etc. And very soon she will stop seeing a man in him, and a strange state will arise — like if she continues to be in a relationship, but something feels wrong, as if she is in a couple, but does not feel like a woman.
There is an opinion that the men are afraid of strong women. But this is a myth that crumbles when a woman knows how to realize herself, her strength, not proving to her man, that she is cooler. The first and the most important thing that a woman can give a man is her happy state: when she knows how to be happy without him, when she can fill herself with love, when she takes care of her mood so that she feels good with herself. And when she shares this state of “I feel good with myself” with those around her, people want to be around her. A woman can cook deliciously and clean the house, but this is secondary. Because as soon as she is perceived as a robot, she stops being a woman. When a woman deserves love through performing household functions, she can be appreciated as a robot, her borscht and the comfort of the apartment can be loved, but not her — it is impossible to love someone, who does not know how to love himself.
If a woman does not love herself, then she cannot give love to the relationship.
Relationships with a hint of maternal instinct lead to chronic dissatisfaction with your man. When a mother sees potential in her child and nurtures him, sending him to various clubs and sections, she thus corrects his behavior in accordance with the vector of development. And this is normal in parent-child relationships. But when a woman looks at an adult man through the idea of ”developing” his potential, telling him that he is “great and can do more”, and flatters herself with the thought that she will make a “general” out of him, then the wife thus falls into the position of a mother and confuses an adult man with a child.
The development of potential depends on the man himself, and not on how his mother directs him.
A woman “in maternal instinct” falls in love not with a man, but with his potential. If she indulges herself in hopes that, say, a “Zaporozhets” will become a “Mercedes” thanks to her efforts, then she will systematically be disappointed and give out chronic dissatisfaction in the relationship.
Therefore, it is worth asking yourself a question and answering it honestly: “Do I agree to live with the man, the way he is behaving now? Or do I hope that he will change?”
If I agree, then everything is fine. Leave the man alone with your claims and live with him as he is, asking yourself more often: “What am I giving myself in this relationship? How can I bring myself to a state where I feel good?”
And then there will be a high probability that this man can begin to change, because he himself wants it.
A woman gives in a relationship a state of her own happiness with this man and a state of gratitude to the man for everything that he gives her. A man becomes stronger, brighter, more powerful thanks to a woman. Not because she raises him, but because he brings BLESSINGS to a woman.
What can a woman do for a man? When she is not a “mother for her son”, “not a shirt-boy for her neighbor’s boy”, but when she is a woman for her man, she can give space to which he will bring blessings. And she is able to accept with joy and be grateful.
When a woman can accept from a man, ask and take with gratitude — this is where a man grows.
And what do women often do? They give-give-give, and then lament that he finds a mistress, where he can give.
So what does a woman give to a man? She gives her joy, accepting his blessings, giving him the opportunity to love her, give her gifts and feel the state of “I can give to you”.
A man expects sincere eyes, joy, “clapping hands” from a woman when he comes and brings a “mammoth”. And if a woman is always dissatisfied and has stopped enjoying gifts, then he becomes uninterested in giving.
Relationships are based on gratitude, where he gives thanks, and she is grateful.
Photo by Mihail Tregubov
Translated by Maria Zayats
Read also:
How To Bring Back The Taste Of Life
Татьяна Ходакова
Практический психолог
Интегративный подход
